The Funny Man September 20th, 2007
[Jimmy Joe] - So, what do you think of our city so far?
[Bob] - It’s a pretty great city! I mean, the people are nice, it’s calm, the food is good and inexpensive. I think this may be the one, the city where I settle down.
[Jimmy Joe] - That’s great to hear.
[Bob] - Yeah. There is just one thing…
[Jimmy Joe] - yes?
[Bob] - See, I’ve only been here for a day, and I have already seen seven people be attacked by giant tigers. Is that, you know, common?
[Jimmy Joe] - Oh yeah, the tigers. yes, I’m afraid it is rather common.
[Bob] - Really?
[Jimmy Joe] - Yes. You see, the founder of our town just happened to be a mad scientist who wanted to conquer to world. Apparently his plan involved an army of giant, genetically modified tigers. So we had, like, a big breeding ground of giant tigers next to the city. Eventually the tigers managed to break free and turned against the scientist, killing him. But they never really left the city.
[Bob] - That’s a shame.
[Jimmy Joe] - Yeah. But the city is completely great otherwise.
[Bob] - It is. But isn’t there something you can do about it? Something one can do in order to not be attacked?
[Jimmy Joe] - No, they are pretty mean tigers. But really, this is just a small nuisance. No city is perfect.
[Bob] - But, how small a nuisance is it? If I was to move here, what would the chances be of me getting attacked?
[Jimmy Joe] - Oh, you’ll definitely be attacked. And probably killed. The life expectancy here is of two years.
[Bob] - Two years?
[Jimmy Joe] - Yes. In fact pretty much everybody that lives here came from other towns. The tigers pretty much kill all the babies. Easy prey and all. But this is just a measure of how great a city it is, we can always find new people to move in!
[Bob] - Sure, it is a great place to live. But I’m not sure that makes up for only living two years.
[Jimmy Joe] - Oh, that’s just an average. Many people live longer than that. Of course there are always the ones that die the first week, but the point is, you can’t say much from simply seeing the two years stat.
[Bob] - Yeah, but one can say enough. [gets up] Thank you for showing me around, but I don’t think I will be moving to your fair ….
[Jimmy Joe] - Look out! Behind you!
[Bob] - What? Is there somethOH MY GOD! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
[Jimmy Joe] - Out silly tiger!! Leave Bob alone!
[Bob] - AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhH!!!!!!!!!AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s EATING MY FACE!!!
[Jimmy Joe] - Shoo, Shoo
[Bob] - AHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh………………..
[Jimmy Joe] - Bob? Bob? Oh no. That is just too bad. Only a day. It will bring the stats down.
The Funny Man August 30th, 2007
I’m sure we have all seen the Miss Teen South Carolina video in witch she gives a completely incoherent answer to a question asked during the Miss Teen USA pageant. Many of us have also seen her second try, made during the Today show, in which she gave the following answer:
“Personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on a map,” she said. “I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t. If the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will learn how to read maps better.”
Proving that, given enough time, she can come up with a completely inane answer. Or at least that she can memorize the inane response that someone she knows came up with.
But what would have been a good answer? I’ve came up with a couple of options, which are listed below. Feel free to add your own suggestions in comments.
So, to recap, the question: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?
And the possible answers:
- Well, we are already in America, so why would we need to find it on a map? Duhhhhhhh!
- Obviously one fifth of the American population is made up of retards. We should not feel bad about this tough. If you go into any country in the world, no matter how advanced, you’ll probably find that about 20% of the population is too dumb to live.
- That is an urban legend, bitch! Now why don’t you ask me a question that is not completely stupid?
- Well, personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on a …. oh, like anybody cares. Look at how good my boobs look in this dress!
The Funny Man August 18th, 2007
This big world of ours is filled with dangers, many of them unknown for most us. But don’t fret, warning signs writers are on the case.
Danger: This man will levitate your dog!
And really, what are the odds it isn’t?
Continue Reading »
The Funny Man August 15th, 2007
I think we can all agree that is sad that, for whatever reason, some people find themselves in the position of having to beg for money. And yet, that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate when one of those people brings some “creativity” to the endeavor.
And he is going to need a lot of lessons. Those midget ninjas are fierce.
Don’t we all Bill? Don’t we all.
He will also drink for beverage.
The lengths that people will go to get drugs. Work? (shudder)
I guess this one wasn’t working that well…
Sure, he says he will make slushies. But you know these homeless snowmen, they never keep their promises.
Although honestly, if the family has already been eaten, its kind of late for a new closet door.
Only 98 cents? Man, that is just bad luck.
One year later and he is nowhere closer to getting his wife back! But at least someone gave him a nicer sign.
The Funny Man July 23rd, 2007
“Sexy” Artificial Trees
Because everybody knows that only real trees are really sexy.
The “Ice Cream” Station
The cops didn’t like them calling it The Crack Cocaine Station.
“Christmas” Party
By which they mean drinking beer until you are unconscious instead of spending time with your family party.
Bierbar “Ass”
Hehe, he said “ass”.
“Quality” Nuts and Fruits
Just be glad that the quotation marks aren’t around fruits or nuts.
Check out the return of our “spices”
You don’t want to know.
The item you have been waiting for has “arrived”
And by “arrived” we mean we had it for weeks but didn’t bother telling you before.
“Quality” at “1/3″ of the Cost
You know, as much quality as your are ever going to get for this price. And by 1/3 they really mean more like 1/2. But it’s still cheap!
“Lean” Beef, “Tender” Chicken, “Fresh” Noodles
Really, lean, tender and fresh are all a matter of perspective…
Beware of “Dog”
It’s really a cat. But a very mean spirited one! He could totally scratch your eyes out!
Faith Baptist “Church”
Hey, I’m not the one saying it.
“Sorry” but there will be no pumpkin soup served today!
He is not really sorry, but his boss forced him to write it.
“Sorry” Credit Machine “Not” Working
This one actually makes sense. “Not” working means it’s working, but people are obviously too stupid to use it. “Sorry” means he is not sorry at all.
<img src=’http://www.dailydoseoffunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/quotation16.jpg’ alt=’By http://www.flickr.com/photos/hadaway/’ />
Beware of Fall-ing “Ice”
Generally when people say ice they mean it’s made of water. But really, it doesn’t have to be.
For a Special Daughter and “Son”
Well, I married your father so I guess I’m your “mother”.
Just because they are free doesn’t mean you have to use them around every. Single. Word.
The Funny Man July 23rd, 2007
Dear Dr. Topps, 
I’m a young, nice guy. I have a good job and all my friends tell me I’m funny and personable. And yet I haven’t had much luck in the dating department.
I think that has to do in large part with the fact that I’m very self-aware about the way I look. My nose is somewhat on the large side and I’m a little too skinny. When I meet a girl I like, I’m constantly wondering what she thinks of my appearance, and that keeps me from just being myself. What should I do to boost my own confidence?
Dear uglo,
Have you considered dating blind chicks?
Sure, they aren’t so good with the whole putting on make-up thing and they don’t always dress themselves well, but some of them are still quite cute. And they won’t be immediately frightened by your enormous nose.
Just one thing: although it’s true that blind chicks can, to some extent, “see” with their hands, you shouldn’t under any circumstances try to cut their hands off. This is unlikely to lead to any positive result.
Juygh Fruyt July 23rd, 2007
I woke up early today to go to work. First thing I did after leaving the house was, well… I projected some shadow on the street… you know, because of the sun (scorching sun, by the way). But the first relevant thing I did was to buy a bottle of water. I had to, it was too hot, and the sun was really strong. I mean, really, really very strong. No, stronger. No, stronger than that! Ok, not THAT strong, but you got the picture.
I am guessing this is all because of that global warmth stuff they are talking about. So we are bringing you some tips (or guidelines, or rules, or whatever you prefer is fine) on how to keep our little planet cool:
1 - Turn off the thermostat; you don’t need it to keep your place warm. Isolating the house with polystyrene is a reasonable way to go. If it is not enough then I guess getting a few hundred gerbils should elevate the temperature. Don’t forget to feed them anti-gas pills.
2 - Take profit of the gerbils by connecting rechargeable batteries to their wheels. If the electricity doesn’t heat the water properly and you still can’t have a nice shower, place a fireplace in the bathroom. It’s the best alternative.
3 – Don’t use a car. Also, smash your neighbor’s car so he can’t use his either and secretely feed him anti-gas pills. Don’t incinerate the cars though!
4 - You already know trees are important. You may plant one if you like, but this is more important: Kill a beaver! (Don’t incinerate it though!)
The Funny Man May 7th, 2007
“The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant.”
- Jane Sellman
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle
“Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.”
- Aristotle
“Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young”
- Anonymous
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.?
- Phyllis Diller quotes
“A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.”
- Peter De Vries
“It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.”
- Barbara Kingsolver
“My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procastrinate. I said: ‘just wait!’”
- Judy Tenuta
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
- Richard Jeni
“My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.”
- Bob Monkhouse
The Funny Man April 30th, 2007
Mondays tend to bring out the pessimist in a lot of us. So, keeping with this theme, here is the pessimist’s guide to life, in three easy lessons.
Lesson #1
Life sucks. Hard.
Lesson #2
As you get older, life starts sucking more and more.
Lesson #3
The only thing that sucks more than life is death. Which sucks. A lot.
Well, there you go. Happy Monday!
Juygh Fruyt April 29th, 2007
I’m the new intern here in Daily Doses, and – this is awesome - they are actually NOT paying me to write this humorous content you read every day!
My name is Juygh Fruyt, you can read more about me in the – guess what – ‘about me’ section. I hope you like the website and please leave your comments.
Now I have to go if I ever want to be made into one of the non-intern guys (no, they don’t get paid either) those posts won’t make themselves up!
