Daily Dose Of Funny

The Funny Man January 31st, 2008

Super Tuesday is right around the corner, so I find myself in a political frame of mind. Here are some quotes to ponder as you watch the race unfold.

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter” — Winston Churchill

“Too bad ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation” — Henry Kissinger

“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.” — Napoleon

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.” — Ronald Reagan

“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” –Ronald Reagan

“If you’re going through hell - keep going!” — Winston Churchill

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process.” — John Fitzgerald Kennedy

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” — Abraham Lincoln

“‘Politics’ is made up of two words. ‘Poli,’ which is Greek for ‘many,’ and ‘tics,’ which are bloodsucking insects.” — Gore Vidal

“Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.” — Frank Dane

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” — Clarence Darrow

“He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.” — George Bernard Shaw

“We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.” — Kin Hubbard

“There is one sure way of telling when politicians aren’t telling the truth—their lips move.” — Felicity Kendall

“The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won’t take it, but somebody always does.” — Bill Vaughan

And, in case you feel the need for something more upbeat:

“The ballot is stronger than the bullet.” — Abraham Lincoln

Photo by: notmikesince91

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The Funny Man January 25th, 2008

Things are looking a little better now for the American stock market. After the Fed’s interest rate cut the Dow ended up reversing its early Tuesday losses. But many people are understandably worried and thinking about taking the money they have invested in stocks and putting it in something a little safer. And since we here at Daily Dose always aim to please we’ve come up with five truly recession proof investment ideas.

Canned Goods And Bottled Water

Ever seen any post-apocalyptic movie were resources are scarce and people are digging through the remains of civilization? What are they always looking for? That’s right, canned goods and bottled water, the basic items for survival in a a dying world.

Stock markets might crash, the dollar might lose all it’s worth and even gold may become little more than a shiny door stopper. But canned good and bottled watered are only going to become more and more valued.

If you are investing in canned good, remember to have a nice variety. Sure, beans and franks are a necessary (and delicious) staple. But after years of eating just that people will be willing to pay premium for the luxury of, say, some canned peaches.

In the post apocalyptic world flatulence is just a sign of wealth.

Guns and Ammo

But having canned goods, bottled water and anything else of value is worthless if you don’t have the means to protect them when society suffers a complete break down and the police is dismantled. Guns and ammo are going to be a highly desirable resource, especially by the richer people who have a lot to protect. And those are exactly the kind of people that can pay a lot for them!

If you are investing in guns, go for something heavier, such as assault rifles and machine guns. Remember, the guns are not intended to protect your family from the odd bugler, they are for protecting your goods from hordes of desperate starving things that are barely human anymore.

Hordes of desperate starving things that are barely human anymore waiting to audition for American Idol

Booze

Sure, in a recession less people will be able to afford alcohol. On the other hand, the dire financial conditions will drive a great number of new people into alcoholism. So it’s a wash!

It’s advisable to stock some hard liquor since as time goes by people might decide that beer just doesn’t offer enough drunkenness for the buck.

Santa prepares himself to “deal” with the recession.

Smart-Ass Bumper Stickers

As the situation becomes worst people will feel the need to do something about it. Some of those people will go out there and participate on protests, political campaigns and other organized movements. Most people will put a bumper sticker on their car and complain to their immediate family.

Here once again diversity pays off. Some people might be inclined to earnest condemnations of the situation while others are drawn to more humorous outbursts. And some people might search for something that says “I’m aware of the problem but not too sure what to do about it and I think we must not be too hasty and do something without thinking a lot about it.” Be ready to fulfill all needs.

Your Own Church

It’s a well known fact that people often turn to spirituality in times of great hardships. And although you will never be able to compete with the big religions, the coming recession should generate enough new religious people for even smaller outfits to turn a nice profit.

The best approach in this arena is to fill a niche that the major religions aren’t filling. For example, most religions have strict rules regarding sexual conduct. So why not come up with a religion that has more liberal sexual mores? Or how about a religion where bacon is a sacred food that must be consumed every day? By creative here.

And don’t forget, your faithfuls are can be very useful in a myriad of ways beyond giving you money and other types of properties. For example, they might be used as your own private army in the war against the crazy cannibal looters. Or to fix your bathroom plumbing. The trick is too recognize the talents of each individual in order to extract as much use of him/her as possible.

Your cathedral will probably not look like this.

Photo credit: Ian Fuller, bamakodaker, Delgoff., Voxphoto and Stuck in Customs.

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The Funny Man January 23rd, 2008

4. Perfect sense of direction

As it has been noted elsewhere, men never need to ask for directions. This is sometimes misinterpreted as a reluctance to ask for said directions, but really, we just don’t need them. Men automatically know what is the best path to get to any point.

This sense of direction is so great it often reveals that the best path involves some very non intuitive decisions, like going around in circles for a couple of hours. This further confuses women who are unable to grasp the brilliance of those choices.

3. Super Resistance to Bacterias and Viruses

Ever noticed that women tend to want the dishes to be washed just after every meal, instead of taking the much more rational approach of washing the dishes every two or ten weeks? Well, that is because they lack men’s super resistance to bacterias and viruses.

This resistance also manifests itself in the willingness to eat hot dogs sold in a stadium, and in the reluctance to the seemingly (for us) crazy notion of taking a bath every day.

2. Mind Reading

You want to argue about the relationship? There is no need,we already argued, IN MY HEAD. And you know what? I WON.

1. The Capacity to Love Forever and Selfishly … Our Sports Team

Sure, some people are Yankees or Patriots fans. And that seems to make sense. But most of us root for teams which don’t go to the World Series/Super Bowl every other year. As a matter of fact many of us are fans of teams that never go to any of those things. An yet, year after year, grueling defeat after grueling defeat, we go back, as hopeful as ever.

Some people might say this is stupid. But I say that it’s a great power, and that it makes me happy to know that we are able to do that.

Now if the goddamned Trail Blazers would just win something already I could be *really* happy.

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The Funny Man January 18th, 2008

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The Funny Man January 17th, 2008

God is perfect. That doesn’t mean he never makes mistakes.

From: God
About: The Great Deluge

I maintain that the wickedness of man was great in the earth at that time, and that I had to do something. But killing every living being on earth outside of those in an Ark does seem a little bit excessive in hindsight, and I promise I’ll show more moderation in the future.

Also, I understand that repopulating earth all by themselves was very trying for Noah’s family, and I apologize for all the dysfunction that was caused by that.

From: The Almighty
About: Leviticus and Deuteronomy

As I understand, these particular chapters in the Bible and the laws they present have caused quite a bit of pain over the centuries, both to my followers and to the people they interacted with. All I can say in my defense is that I really didn’t think you would all take it so seriously. I was just joking people! I mean, what kind of mean, awful God would prohibit his people from eating lobsters and pork? They are delicious!

From: The Big Guy on the Sky
About: Hitler

Not one of my best sons was he? But how could I possibly guess that a not especially tall, not very athletic, dark haired guy with a weird mustache would lead a nation into mass killings for the cause of racial purity? I thought he would turn out to be a short tempered librarian or something like that.

From: The Holy Father
About: The Asian Tsunami of 2004

I’m deeply sorry for all the people that lost their lives in this terrible tsunami. And I assure you that Jesus will no longer be allowed to play on the Indian ocean.

From: The All Seeing One
About: Katrina

Ok, let’s recap. Did I build a large city which had large portions below sea level and in a well known path of hurricanes? No. Did I put in ineffectual anti-flood protections? No. Did I elect George “Heck of a Job Brownie” Bush President? Once again no. But as soon as some natural disaster hits and a bunch of people die and/or lose everything they have everybody goes all “why have you abandoned me God?” on my ass.

You want me to say I’m sorry? Ok, I’ll say it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you are all so stupid. I swear to myself, when I build the second earth that whole free will thing is going the way of the Dodo.

From: the LORD
About: That Last Letter

Yeah, that was a little ill-tempered. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I think it showed. And I know that I do have a story of flooding people when I’m angry, so the thought that it was all my fault was not so off base.

Also, I’d like to assure everybody that any plan I might or might not have to build a second, more perfect earth doe not include the complete destruction of the original earth by interminable rains of fire. Honestly people, don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

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The Funny Man November 30th, 2007

As I was lazily flipping through radio stations today I came across this little ditty.

The chorus, for the video challenged among you, goes like this:

Baby where’d you get your body from?
Tell me where’d you get your body from.
Baby where’d you get your body from?
Tell me where’d you get your body from.
I got it from my mama.
I got it from my mama.
I got it from my mama.
I got it got it…

And here is a little bit more:

If the girl real fine,
Nine times out of ten,
She fine just like her mama.

And if her mama real ugly,
I guarantee ya she gon’ be ugly like her mama, like her mama…

Deep, deep stuff.

The song is called “I Got It From My Mama” and it’s from will.i.am. Will is, of course, one of the famed Black Eyed Peas, and therefore at least complicit in the creation of that other gem, My Humps.

You know, in times like these I’m often put in a nostalgic mood, as I remember how much more meaningful lyrics used to be in the days of yore. For example:

I’ve got big balls
I’ve got big balls
They’re such big balls
And they’re dirty big balls
And he’s got big balls
And she’s got big balls
But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all

It’s like he is talking about me, man.

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The Funny Man November 22nd, 2007

Nothing I can say could possible make this one better

I get the feeling this wasn’t glued on by the owner of the car.

Totally getting one of these for my car.

They certainly seem well matched.

I mean, how would we show that we are good people without them?

So many things to say, so little car.

She also said she was 14 and at no time did she reveal she was with the FBI.

I’ve had a few of those.

It couldn’t possibly be.

Finally a ticket I can get behind.

Glad you warned me.

That seems like a sound approach.

Surprisingly, it actually is. And Jesus’ middle name? Fucking.

Better living through chemistry.

That happened to me once.

Tautologically true.

Or just take a pill.

What the hell, let’s be generous and go for a Senator.

Unfortunately, you are the only one.

Photo credit: uberculture, Malingering, Scott Beale / Laughing Squid, FutureAtlas, richardmasoner, niznoz, blmurch, iirraa, mmarchin, mahalie, chittim, iirraa, Matt Garland, pinkbelt, teach42, Jurischk, Napalm filled tires, ekai, cdozo

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The Funny Man November 19th, 2007

Most gossip mags have been more than happy to report on the travails of Britney Spears over the last few years. These disreputable rags never stopped to wonder what the hell was going on behind the scenes that could cause such a catastrophic fall for the once beloved star. After all, celebrities destroying themselves sell copies, don’t they? So why go deeper.

The real, sweet and talented Britney. She would never marry Kevin Federline.

But not us. Here at Daily Dose we have a little something called journalistic integrity. And after months of exhaustive journalistic work we can finally reveal the truth: Britney Spears was kidnapped by aliens!

As far as we can tell, it happened at some point during 2004. The real Britney was taken in the middle of the night and replaced with an alien copy cat. The alien Britney soon proceeded to get married and have kids with Kevin Federline, in an attempt to better infiltrate the human species. Apparently at this points the Aliens were somewhat clueless about humanity and all things related to it, which explains why them, unlike every single human being on earth, were unable to realize that Kevin Federline was a giant douche.

Kevin Federline: “I scored myself some alien hoo-ha bro. High five!”

The alien Britney kept low for the following two years, spending most of her time trying to learn more about human culture. After those years the aliens decided that in order for their plan to work they would need to get Britney back into public consciousness . They also realized that they weren’t the only ones that hated Federline, and proceeded to arrange a divorce.

In it’s attempt to regain the spotlight, alien Britney studied the news closely, and then decided to imitate the behavior of the person that, based on news coverage, was the most important being on earth: Paris Hilton. That didn’t turn out so well. She also started doing some public performances, most notably the 2007’s VMAs. That also didn’t go so well.

Alien Britney caught without her full human costume on.

In fact, despite being on earth for more than three years now, alien Britney is still struggling with even simple human tasks. Driving, for example, has proven to be a continuously mystifying activity.

Alien Britney tries (unsuccessfully) to open her car with an umbrella. It’s not clear why she thought the two were related.

Most recently alien Britney suffered another setback when Kevin Federline managed to win the custody of their two children. The custody hearing were apparently going well for a-Brit until she mentioned that she intend to sacrifice the first born on his tenth birthday to the god of war Axzerothoghough, not realizing that was not the custom on earth.

After hearing all that you might be wondering: what did the aliens hope to accomplish with this kidnapping? Well, Daily Dose has just obtained the power point slide that reveals the alien plan in all of it’s sordidness:

Now you now the truth. Spread it!

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The Funny Man September 23rd, 2007

Heroes is an awesome show, but with so many characters, story lines and secrets, things can get a little confusing at times, and it can be daunting for new viewers who haven’t watched the show from the beginning. So, to help all you people who intend to watch the show when it comes back for a second season this Monday, here is a guide to the cast of characters that tells you everything you need to know.

Hiro Nakamura
Played by: Masi Oka
Super Power: Hiro can manipulate time and space. By trying really hard to go number two.

Hiro was the unlikely break out star of the show, proving the Americans really do love everything Japanese.

Ando Masahashi
Played by: James Kyson Lee
Super Power: None

Ando is more widely known as “the other Japanese dude.” His primary role in the story is to give Hiro someone to say noble things about heroism to. Also, to give Hiro someone to save from time to time.

James Kyson Lee is actually not Japanese at all, he is a Korean-American. Thankfully all those Asian people look the same to us, so this was not a problem.

Matthew “Matt” Parkman
Played by: Greg Grunberg
Super Power: Mind Reading.

Parkman is an interesting character because he manages to show that even if men were able to read minds, they still wouldn’t know what the hell their wives want.

Nathan Petrelli
Played by: Adrian Pasdar
Super Power: Flying.

Nathan Petrelli spent a good portion of the last season struggling with the tough moral question of whether or not he should allow half of New York to be destroyed by an explosion. In the end he decided that the killing of millions of people was probably not a good thing, but it was a close call.

Peter Petrelli
Played by:Milo Ventimiglia
Super Power: he can absorb the power of any other hero. By standing next to them. For like, a second. Obviously Milo Ventimiglia is sleeping with someone pretty high up because this power is ridiculously better than any other in the series.

Despite having such an amazing super power Peter didn’t manage to stop his beloved from dying. And he needed tons of help to defeat bad guy Sylar. And he didn’t even kill him. And he almost exploded half of New York. And he might have killed his brother. Nice going, moron.

Nicole “Niki” Sanders
Played by: Ali Larter
Super Power: Being hot. Also, Niki is sometimes taken over by an alter ego (Jessica) who has super strength. The alter ego is also hot.

Have I mentioned that she is hot?

D. L. Hawkins
Played by: Leonard Roberts
Super Power: Can make himself immaterial, allowing him to go through stuff.

Married to Niki, who is hot. He tried to to leave her when it turned out she had an alternate personality who was a murderer, showing an disturbing lack of commitment to the sacred institution of marriage. And to hot women.

Micah Sanders
Pleyed by: Noah Gray-Cabey
Super Power: Electronics Whisperer

Son of Niki. Who is hot.

Ok, I’ll stop now.

Isaac Mendez
Played by: Santiago Cabrera
Super Power: Can paint the future.

Issac Mendez is a troubled artist, who has had problems with drugs and … oh, who cares, the guy is dead, so we don’t have to think about him anymore.

I guess that in the second season they are going to have to find something other than future predicting paintings to move the plot forward.

Gabriel “Sylar” Gray
Played by: Zachary Quinto
Super Power: He can absorb the super powers of others, but in order to do that he has to crack their skull open and see in their brains how the power works. Since the super powers in the show are caused by genetic mutations you would imagine any cell would be good enough to see how it works, but no, it always has to be the brain.

Sylar is considered the bad guy of the show, but really, he is just misunderstood. He doesn’t want to kill all those people, but he has to in order to get their powers. What would you do in this situation? And It’s all his parents faults really.

Also, if you had spent months acquiring your super powers the hard way and you met Peter Petrelli, who suddenly has all the powers you have without really having to do anything, wouldn’t you want to kill him too?

Claire Bennet
Played by: Hayden Panettiere
Super Power: Healing factor. You know, like Wolverine.

For some reason people keep referring to Claire as “The Cheerleader.” As in: “Save the cheerleader,” “Are you the cheerleader?” and “Did I save the cheerleader?” She has a name you guys.

Noah Bennet
Played by: Jack Coleman
Super Power: Looking cool in horn-rimmed glasses.

Initially a villain, Mr. Bennet ended up being turned in one of the guys by the end of the first season. because apparently you just can’t hate a mean in horn-rimmed glasses.

Mohinder Suresh
Played by: Sendhil Ramamurthy
Super Power: Hos blood has some healing properties, but I’m not sure that counts as a real super power. I mean, so lame.

A scientist whose father not only discovered the existence of the super powered people but also identified many of them. His father also apparently had a super power that allowed him to get DNA samples of random people from all over America. Sure could have been useful to the police.

That’s it. Now all you have to do is enjoy the show.