Archive for the 'Top Something Lists' Category

Top Ten Excuses You Can Give Your Readers if You Haven’t Updated Your Blog in a Long Time

The Funny Man June 11th, 2008

Hi loyal readers! I know I haven’t updated in a long time. I’m sorry, but…

10 … since I had the facial reconstruction surgery I can actually get laid.
9… really, isn’t quality more important then quantity?
8… it turns out my boss actually wants me to do some work in exchange for the money he gives me at the end of the month.
7… I thought I had updated the blog, but it turns out I was just having a bad acid trip.
6… I was waiting for the Democratic primary to be over.
5… I was having more fun beating my head against a wall covered in nails.
4… I was trying to break the record for longest masturbation session, and it’s hard to type and “love yourself” at the same time.
3… I was kidnapped by terrorists while in Afghanistan. luckily I was able to build an armor out of scraps of metal and old electronic components and used it to escape. Still couldn’t get the damn phone browser to work tough.
2… I did update! But some Chinese hackers broke into the site and erased the posts. Then some Filipino hackers broke into my home computer and deleted the drafts I had saved. And then my dog ate my printouts.
1 … I had forgotten the password to the blog.

10 Things To Do With All Those Post-Its You Have Laying Around

The Funny Man March 3rd, 2008

10. Make Sure Nobody Takes Your Seat at Those Busy Weddings

Post-Its Chair

9. Fight Off The Effects of Alzheimer’s Disease

Post-Its Dog

8. Make You Super Expensive Jaguar Look Like a Paper Car

Post-Its Jaguar

7. Play Your Favorite Old Games

Post-Its MarioPost-Its Mario

6. Create Your Own Band

Post-Its Band

5. Send a Friendly Message to You Beloved Co-workers

Post-Its Quit Now

4. Hide The Smart Ass Message on Your Shirt From Your Parents

Post-Its Shirt

3. Play a Game of Tic-Tac-Toe

Post-Its Tic-Tac-Toe

2. Remind Yourself To Paint the Walls

Post-Its To Do

and…

1. Avoid Doing Actual Work

Post-Its Cubicle

Photos by, respectively: Scott Ableman, PJBert_2332, Scott Ableman, sirmikester, Siddhi, Jeroen Latour, fuzzcat, adactio, videocrab, Michael Cory and RobertFrancis.

Five Recession Proof Investment Ideas

The Funny Man January 25th, 2008

Things are looking a little better now for the American stock market. After the Fed’s interest rate cut the Dow ended up reversing its early Tuesday losses. But many people are understandably worried and thinking about taking the money they have invested in stocks and putting it in something a little safer. And since we here at Daily Dose always aim to please we’ve come up with five truly recession proof investment ideas.

Canned Goods And Bottled Water

Ever seen any post-apocalyptic movie were resources are scarce and people are digging through the remains of civilization? What are they always looking for? That’s right, canned goods and bottled water, the basic items for survival in a a dying world.

Stock markets might crash, the dollar might lose all it’s worth and even gold may become little more than a shiny door stopper. But canned good and bottled watered are only going to become more and more valued.

If you are investing in canned good, remember to have a nice variety. Sure, beans and franks are a necessary (and delicious) staple. But after years of eating just that people will be willing to pay premium for the luxury of, say, some canned peaches.

Beans
In the post apocalyptic world flatulence is just a sign of wealth.

Guns and Ammo

But having canned goods, bottled water and anything else of value is worthless if you don’t have the means to protect them when society suffers a complete break down and the police is dismantled. Guns and ammo are going to be a highly desirable resource, especially by the richer people who have a lot to protect. And those are exactly the kind of people that can pay a lot for them!

If you are investing in guns, go for something heavier, such as assault rifles and machine guns. Remember, the guns are not intended to protect your family from the odd bugler, they are for protecting your goods from hordes of desperate starving things that are barely human anymore.

Idol Crowd
Hordes of desperate starving things that are barely human anymore waiting to audition for American Idol

Booze

Sure, in a recession less people will be able to afford alcohol. On the other hand, the dire financial conditions will drive a great number of new people into alcoholism. So it’s a wash!

It’s advisable to stock some hard liquor since as time goes by people might decide that beer just doesn’t offer enough drunkenness for the buck.

Santa
Santa prepares himself to “deal” with the recession.

Smart-Ass Bumper Stickers

Handbasket

As the situation becomes worst people will feel the need to do something about it. Some of those people will go out there and participate on protests, political campaigns and other organized movements. Most people will put a bumper sticker on their car and complain to their immediate family.

Here once again diversity pays off. Some people might be inclined to earnest condemnations of the situation while others are drawn to more humorous outbursts. And some people might search for something that says “I’m aware of the problem but not too sure what to do about it and I think we must not be too hasty and do something without thinking a lot about it.” Be ready to fulfill all needs.

Your Own Church

It’s a well known fact that people often turn to spirituality in times of great hardships. And although you will never be able to compete with the big religions, the coming recession should generate enough new religious people for even smaller outfits to turn a nice profit.

The best approach in this arena is to fill a niche that the major religions aren’t filling. For example, most religions have strict rules regarding sexual conduct. So why not come up with a religion that has more liberal sexual mores? Or how about a religion where bacon is a sacred food that must be consumed every day? By creative here.

And don’t forget, your faithfuls are can be very useful in a myriad of ways beyond giving you money and other types of properties. For example, they might be used as your own private army in the war against the crazy cannibal looters. Or to fix your bathroom plumbing. The trick is too recognize the talents of each individual in order to extract as much use of him/her as possible.

Church
Your cathedral will probably not look like this.

Photo credit: Ian Fuller, bamakodaker, Delgoff., Voxphoto and Stuck in Customs.

4 Superpowers The Every Man Has

The Funny Man January 23rd, 2008

4. Perfect sense of direction

As it has been noted elsewhere, men never need to ask for directions. This is sometimes misinterpreted as a reluctance to ask for said directions, but really, we just don’t need them. Men automatically know what is the best path to get to any point.

This sense of direction is so great it often reveals that the best path involves some very non intuitive decisions, like going around in circles for a couple of hours. This further confuses women who are unable to grasp the brilliance of those choices.

3. Super Resistance to Bacterias and Viruses

Ever noticed that women tend to want the dishes to be washed just after every meal, instead of taking the much more rational approach of washing the dishes every two or ten weeks? Well, that is because they lack men’s super resistance to bacterias and viruses.

This resistance also manifests itself in the willingness to eat hot dogs sold in a stadium, and in the reluctance to the seemingly (for us) crazy notion of taking a bath every day.

2. Mind Reading

You want to argue about the relationship? There is no need,we already argued, IN MY HEAD. And you know what? I WON.

1. The Capacity to Love Forever and Selfishly … Our Sports Team

Sure, some people are Yankees or Patriots fans. And that seems to make sense. But most of us root for teams which don’t go to the World Series/Super Bowl every other year. As a matter of fact many of us are fans of teams that never go to any of those things. An yet, year after year, grueling defeat after grueling defeat, we go back, as hopeful as ever.

Some people might say this is stupid. But I say that it’s a great power, and that it makes me happy to know that we are able to do that.

Now if the goddamned Trail Blazers would just win something already I could be *really* happy.

Apology Letters … From God

The Funny Man January 17th, 2008

God is perfect. That doesn’t mean he never makes mistakes.

From: God
About: The Great Deluge

I maintain that the wickedness of man was great in the earth at that time, and that I had to do something. But killing every living being on earth outside of those in an Ark does seem a little bit excessive in hindsight, and I promise I’ll show more moderation in the future.

Also, I understand that repopulating earth all by themselves was very trying for Noah’s family, and I apologize for all the dysfunction that was caused by that.

From: The Almighty
About: Leviticus and Deuteronomy

As I understand, these particular chapters in the Bible and the laws they present have caused quite a bit of pain over the centuries, both to my followers and to the people they interacted with. All I can say in my defense is that I really didn’t think you would all take it so seriously. I was just joking people! I mean, what kind of mean, awful God would prohibit his people from eating lobsters and pork? They are delicious!

From: The Big Guy on the Sky
About: Hitler

Not one of my best sons was he? But how could I possibly guess that a not especially tall, not very athletic, dark haired guy with a weird mustache would lead a nation into mass killings for the cause of racial purity? I thought he would turn out to be a short tempered librarian or something like that.

From: The Holy Father
About: The Asian Tsunami of 2004

I’m deeply sorry for all the people that lost their lives in this terrible tsunami. And I assure you that Jesus will no longer be allowed to play on the Indian ocean.

From: The All Seeing One
About: Katrina

Ok, let’s recap. Did I build a large city which had large portions below sea level and in a well known path of hurricanes? No. Did I put in ineffectual anti-flood protections? No. Did I elect George “Heck of a Job Brownie” Bush President? Once again no. But as soon as some natural disaster hits and a bunch of people die and/or lose everything they have everybody goes all “why have you abandoned me God?” on my ass.

You want me to say I’m sorry? Ok, I’ll say it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you are all so stupid. I swear to myself, when I build the second earth that whole free will thing is going the way of the Dodo.

From: the LORD
About: That Last Letter

Yeah, that was a little ill-tempered. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I think it showed. And I know that I do have a story of flooding people when I’m angry, so the thought that it was all my fault was not so off base.

Also, I’d like to assure everybody that any plan I might or might not have to build a second, more perfect earth doe not include the complete destruction of the original earth by interminable rains of fire. Honestly people, don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

Phrases That Should Scare You

The Funny Man April 15th, 2007

1. Shoot if you are a man!

2. What happens if I press this button?

3. Look mom, with just one hand!

4. Daddy will fix it, but did you turn off the power like I told you, son?

5. You can go through, no one is coming.

6. The chances of that happening are one in a million…

7. Nonsense. It’s probably just a little itch.

8. Buuu. Ha, I scared you, didn’t I granny?

9. Easy folks, I’m also a Sox fan. This Yankees t-shirt isn’t mine.

10. Easy friend, I’m just the plumber.

11. It’s the red wire. I’m sure, you can go ahead and cut it.

12. It’s a simple surgery.

13. Relax, airplanes are safer than cars.

14. No, those mushrooms aren’t poisonous.

15. I saw a guy do this on TV.

16. You can write it down! I’m going to break the world record.

17. Hey, that’s my backpack, your parachute is here…

18. I’ve done this before! I can do it with my eyes closed.

19. Come on, there is space for one more.

Things You Shouldn’t Say to Your Girlfriend’s Parents

The Funny Man April 15th, 2007

Meeting the parents can be an awkward and tense situation. The need to impress often leads, paradoxically, to people making mistakes and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

But fear not! Daily Dose of Funny is here to help you in this difficult time. We have compiled a list of ten things you should avoid saying to your girlfriend’s parents at all costs. And here it is:

1. Do you know a good motel?
- You want to take my daughter to a motel !?
- No! Someone completely different.

2. You have a nice house, don’t you? Must have been expensive. If someone was to kidnap your daughter they could ask for a lot of money, right? Hypothetically speaking.

3. Don’t worry, I drive very carefully. Because if the cops stop me I’m screwed, I have ten pounds of cocaine in the truck and my license is expired.

4. They say weight is genetically determined. I hope not, I hope not.

5. You daughter is so beautiful. Not as much as Layla, but still.

6. You taught your daughter how to cook? Oh, well, that explains it.

7. Damn, I spilled coke on my pants. Could you get that nice maid of yours to help me clean this up?

8. My god, with your age a normal person would already be dead!!

9. Did you by any chance fall on your face as you were riding your bike? No? So that is natural?

10. Please tell me she was adopted!!

Life Lessons Your Parents Didn’t Teach You

The Funny Man April 14th, 2007

1. A little mistake in the beginning, can become huge by the end. But then a big error must become small, right?
2. Worthy of admiration is someone that stumbled in his first step and stayed there so he wouldn’t fall anymore.
3. It’s wiser to consider yourself owner of the truth than to seek it.
4. The secret to happiness is making your pleasure your duty.
5. Wise is the man that only does things when he is sure they will work.
6. I don’t want people to believe in my desire to be right, I want them to think I’m right.
7. Be what you want to be, not what you are.
8. If you really love somebody, don’t let him go.
9. Ignorant is someone who recognizes the limits of his wisdom.
10. The man who planted a flower made the world a more beautiful place, somebody happy and was gay. Don’t plant anything.
11. Before you do your duties, abuse your rights.
12. A true friend always helps himself.
13. Wisdom consists on taking advantage of what you know and making up what you don’t.
14. It’s better to get the honors without deserving them than to deserve them without receiving them.
15. May your hand be open to receive, and closed to give.
16. The only people who don’t make mistakes are the people that don’t do anything. So, don’t do anything.
17. The worst deaf is the one who doesn’t listen.
18. When you choose your profession, the most important thing is the money, not the self fulfillment.
19. Add days to your life, not life to your days.
20. Try to be someone successful, not someone worthy.
21. A stopped clock can be more accurate than a working one. A stopped clock is right twice a day, a working one may be always late. So stay still and be right at least two times every day.
22. Don’t use yourself the advices you give to others.
23. The poor who gets richer has more than the rich that gets poor.

20 Signs You Have Been Drinking Too Much (Classic Joke)

The Funny Man April 12th, 2007

1. You lose discussions with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the grass in order to not fall from earth.

3. Work has been interfering with drinking.

4. Your doctor discovers traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career doesn’t advance beyond senator.

6. The back of your head is constantly being hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believes alcohol is the mysterious fifth food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a box. Coincidence? I think not!

9. Two hands and only one mouth, now that is a drinking problem.

10. Parking lot seems to have moved while you were at the bar.

11. You fall off the floor.

12. 5 beers have the same number of calories as a hamburguer. Who needs dinner?

13. Mosquitoes get high after attacking you.

14. In an AA meeting you start with: “Hi, my name is … uh …�

15. You wake up in the bedroom. Your underwear is in the bathroom. You slept with your clothes on. Humm.

16. The whole bar says “Hi!” when you come in.

17. You believe the four basic food groups are: caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and women.

18. Every night you find your roommate more and more attractive.

19. Linda Tripp looks hot.

20. Can’t recognize wife unless you see her through the bottom of a glass.

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