Daily Dose Of Funny

The Funny Man February 14th, 2008

- I’m sorry, but don’t I know you?
- Ahmmm, no I don’t think you do.
- I’m pretty sure I remember you from somewhere…
- Well, I have one of those common faces, people think they know me all the time.
- Oh MY GOD! I remember now!
- Crap.
- Jesus Christ, that’s you isn’t it?
- *sigh*
- The hair, the beard, I don’t know how it took me so long to figure out.
- Look, I’m kind of in a hurry, I have to be some place in a few minutes…
- I’m your number one fan!
- Really? You’re a churchgoing man?
- Well, I haven’t really been to a church since my wedding, but it’s not about a place, it’s about having Jesus in your heart isn’t it?
- Funny how many of my “number one fans” think that.
- I can’t believe I’m actually talking to Jesus. Man, I haven’t heard about you in a while. What have you been doing ever since the whole resurrection thing?
- Well, you know, this and that. I took some time for myself, in order to figure out what *I* wanted to do with my life, you know? I mean, I accomplished quite a lot in the first 30 years or so, but I felt I was just following a script my father wrote for me. I felt like I didn’t know who Jesus really was, you know? So I took some time to do some soul searching.
- Oh, I totally know what you mean. After college I spent a few months in Europe, just screwing around, before coming back to my fiancee and settling down.
- How nice…
- But are you done with the soul searching?
- Well, yeah. Now I’m focused on writing. I recently wrote this book “The Gospel According to Jesus”, which brings my own direct perspective to what happened, with no intermediaries muddling the message.
- Really? Haven’t heard about it.
- Well, it was published by this small company and they didn’t have much money to invest in marketing. But that is okay, we are going to let word of mouth spread around, you know? Let it become one of those publishing phenomenons that comes out of nowhere.
- I see
- Yeah, we are trying to get a spot on Oprah to move things along. She hasn’t answered any of our calls yet, but we are very hopeful.
- Good luck with that.
- Thanks. You can buy the book on the Internet.
- Oh really? That’s great.
- So you’ll buy it?
- Gee, I would love that. But I have been really busy at work lately, so I’m not sure when I will ever be able to get around to reading a book.
- Oh, sure, I see.
- Is it coming out on tape? Because that would so much easier.
- No, we don’t have any plans for that right now.
- Well, keep me posted. But changing the subject slightly, you know what I love? Your miracles. The one where you made wine out of water is my favorite.
- Really? The one were I made wine for a bunch of drunk people? You prefer that one to me walking on water, or curing the lepers, or feeding thousands?
- Well, yeah. Those other ones were great too, but, you know…
- Um hum.
- As a matter of fact, I happen to have some water with me right now and, well, I’m having a bad day, and I could really use a little “miracle” right now.
- Ok, look, I did that once, and I regret it to this day. I’m not doing it again.
- O come on. It will take you half a second.
- I said no.
- Come on! Just a little wine to help me get through the day. It won’t hurt anybody.
- Saying come on over and over won’t change my mind.
- Don’t be a party pooper! Just half a bottle will be enough!
- Ok, that’s it, I’m going away now, have a good day sir.
- Jerk.
- What? Did I hear that right? Did you just call your LORD AND SAVIOR Jesus FUCKING Christ a jerk? Because I won’t make you wine? That’s it, now you really got me pissed. You want a miracle? Here is a miracle. I just gave you leper. And it’s not the normal kind of leper either, It’s super powered JESUS LEPER!
- What?!
- You heard me mother fucker, now fuck off and die.
- ASSHOLE!
- Yeah, God loves you too, jackass.

• Tall Tales
• Comments(0)

The Funny Man September 20th, 2007

[Jimmy Joe] - So, what do you think of our city so far?
[Bob] - It’s a pretty great city! I mean, the people are nice, it’s calm, the food is good and inexpensive. I think this may be the one, the city where I settle down.
[Jimmy Joe] - That’s great to hear.
[Bob] - Yeah. There is just one thing…
[Jimmy Joe] - yes?
[Bob] - See, I’ve only been here for a day, and I have already seen seven people be attacked by giant tigers. Is that, you know, common?
[Jimmy Joe] - Oh yeah, the tigers. yes, I’m afraid it is rather common.
[Bob] - Really?
[Jimmy Joe] - Yes. You see, the founder of our town just happened to be a mad scientist who wanted to conquer to world. Apparently his plan involved an army of giant, genetically modified tigers. So we had, like, a big breeding ground of giant tigers next to the city. Eventually the tigers managed to break free and turned against the scientist, killing him. But they never really left the city.
[Bob] - That’s a shame.
[Jimmy Joe] - Yeah. But the city is completely great otherwise.
[Bob] - It is. But isn’t there something you can do about it? Something one can do in order to not be attacked?
[Jimmy Joe] - No, they are pretty mean tigers. But really, this is just a small nuisance. No city is perfect.
[Bob] - But, how small a nuisance is it? If I was to move here, what would the chances be of me getting attacked?
[Jimmy Joe] - Oh, you’ll definitely be attacked. And probably killed. The life expectancy here is of two years.
[Bob] - Two years?
[Jimmy Joe] - Yes. In fact pretty much everybody that lives here came from other towns. The tigers pretty much kill all the babies. Easy prey and all. But this is just a measure of how great a city it is, we can always find new people to move in!
[Bob] - Sure, it is a great place to live. But I’m not sure that makes up for only living two years.
[Jimmy Joe] - Oh, that’s just an average. Many people live longer than that. Of course there are always the ones that die the first week, but the point is, you can’t say much from simply seeing the two years stat.
[Bob] - Yeah, but one can say enough. [gets up] Thank you for showing me around, but I don’t think I will be moving to your fair ….
[Jimmy Joe] - Look out! Behind you!
[Bob] - What? Is there somethOH MY GOD! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
[Jimmy Joe] - Out silly tiger!! Leave Bob alone!
[Bob] - AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhH!!!!!!!!!AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s EATING MY FACE!!!
[Jimmy Joe] - Shoo, Shoo
[Bob] - AHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh………………..
[Jimmy Joe] - Bob? Bob? Oh no. That is just too bad. Only a day. It will bring the stats down.

• Tall Tales
• Comments(0)