Daily Dose Of Funny

The Funny Man January 31st, 2008

Super Tuesday is right around the corner, so I find myself in a political frame of mind. Here are some quotes to ponder as you watch the race unfold.

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter” — Winston Churchill

“Too bad ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation” — Henry Kissinger

“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.” — Napoleon

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.” — Ronald Reagan

“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” –Ronald Reagan

“If you’re going through hell - keep going!” — Winston Churchill

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process.” — John Fitzgerald Kennedy

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” — Abraham Lincoln

“‘Politics’ is made up of two words. ‘Poli,’ which is Greek for ‘many,’ and ‘tics,’ which are bloodsucking insects.” — Gore Vidal

“Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.” — Frank Dane

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” — Clarence Darrow

“He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.” — George Bernard Shaw

“We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.” — Kin Hubbard

“There is one sure way of telling when politicians aren’t telling the truth—their lips move.” — Felicity Kendall

“The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won’t take it, but somebody always does.” — Bill Vaughan

And, in case you feel the need for something more upbeat:

“The ballot is stronger than the bullet.” — Abraham Lincoln

Photo by: notmikesince91

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The Funny Man May 7th, 2007

“The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant.”
- Jane Sellman

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle

“Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.”
- Aristotle

“Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young”
- Anonymous

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.â€?
- Phyllis Diller quotes

“A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.”
- Peter De Vries

“It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.”
- Barbara Kingsolver

“My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procastrinate. I said: ‘just wait!’”
- Judy Tenuta

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
- Richard Jeni

“My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.”
- Bob Monkhouse

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The Funny Man April 16th, 2007

“It’s not wrong to hit a woman - although I wouldn’t recommend doing it in the same way you hit a man”
Sean Connery

“Sir, I actually speak to god all the time, and don’t take this the wrong way, but he never said anything about you”
Philippe Gaston(Matthew Broderick) in the film Ladyhawke

[When he was asked whether he thought that human beings were corrupt, amoral and cynic]
“Of course not! Haven’t you seen The Sound of Music?”
Billy Wilder

“An amateur thinks it’s funny to dress a man as an old lady, sit him in a wheelchair and shove the chair so that it goes down a ladder and smashes into a brick wall. A professional knows you have to use a real old lady.”
Groucho Marx

“I started a diet. I cut heavy foods and drinks and, in fourteen days, I lost two weeks”.
Joe E. Lewis

“My first wife divorced me alleging irreconcilable differences. Besides that, I think she hated me.”
Oscar Levant

“Save the trees - kill a beaver.”
Anonymous

“Selfish - someone more interested in himself than in me.”
Ambrose Bierce

“May the flees of a thousand camels infest your armpits!”
Arabic Curse

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The Funny Man April 15th, 2007

[After being warned that drinking is a slow form of suicide]
“And who is in a hurry?”
Robert Benchley

“Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.”
George Burns

“Once, during the dry law, I was forced to go days with just food and water.”

“Who was the jerk that stole the cork from my lunch?”

“My willpower is so strong, I never drink anything harder than gin before breakfast.”

“I gargle with Scotch several times a day and I haven’t had a cold in years.”
W. C. Fields

[When asked if he had slept well]
“No. I think I went to bed a little sober yesterday.”
Dashiell Hammet

“I drink to make the other people more interesting.”
George Jean Nathan

“Be careful with hard liquor. It can make you shoot at tax collectors … and miss.”
Lazarus Long

“I don’t trust camels or anyone else that can go a week without drinking.”

“Bartender, I want what the man in the floor is drinking.”

“Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.”
Anonymous

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The Funny Man April 13th, 2007

“When I started to write I tried to sell the story of my sex life to a publisher. They bought it and turned it into a board game for kids ”

“When I saw a naked woman for the first time I thought the rabbi had went too far with her circumcision”
Woody Allen

“There is a sexual revolution taking place. But with out current foreign policy we will end up sending troops there to end it.”
Mel Brooks

“If your sex fantasies were of interest to anybody, they would already have stopped being fantasies.”
Fran Lebowitz

“The person can abdicate from sex, but sex doesn’t abdicate from the person”
Gabriel García Márquez

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight don’t matter”
Henry Miiler

“For some people, after they are fifty years-old, arguing takes the place of sex.”
Gore Vidal

[Dialogue from the film Myra Breckinridge]
“Mae West : How tall are you when you’re off your horse, cowboy?
Cowboy: Um, six feet, seven inches, ma’am.
Mae West: Well, never mind the six feet, and let’s talk about the seven inches.”

“I’ve had so many man in my life that I think the FBI should come to me when they want to compare fingerprints.â€?
Mae West

“Sex is hereditary: If your parents didn’t have it, there is a good chance you won’t either.”

“Panties aren’t the best thing in the world. But they are close.”

“What is an intellectual? Just a man that discovered something more interesting then women.”
Anonymous

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