Daily Dose Of Funny

The Funny Man November 30th, 2007

As I was lazily flipping through radio stations today I came across this little ditty.

The chorus, for the video challenged among you, goes like this:

Baby where’d you get your body from?
Tell me where’d you get your body from.
Baby where’d you get your body from?
Tell me where’d you get your body from.
I got it from my mama.
I got it from my mama.
I got it from my mama.
I got it got it…

And here is a little bit more:

If the girl real fine,
Nine times out of ten,
She fine just like her mama.

And if her mama real ugly,
I guarantee ya she gon’ be ugly like her mama, like her mama…

Deep, deep stuff.

The song is called “I Got It From My Mama” and it’s from will.i.am. Will is, of course, one of the famed Black Eyed Peas, and therefore at least complicit in the creation of that other gem, My Humps.

You know, in times like these I’m often put in a nostalgic mood, as I remember how much more meaningful lyrics used to be in the days of yore. For example:

I’ve got big balls
I’ve got big balls
They’re such big balls
And they’re dirty big balls
And he’s got big balls
And she’s got big balls
But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all

It’s like he is talking about me, man.

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The Funny Man August 30th, 2007

I’m sure we have all seen the Miss Teen South Carolina video in witch she gives a completely incoherent answer to a question asked during the Miss Teen USA pageant. Many of us have also seen her second try, made during the Today show, in which she gave the following answer:

“Personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on a map,” she said. “I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t. If the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will learn how to read maps better.”

Proving that, given enough time, she can come up with a completely inane answer. Or at least that she can memorize the inane response that someone she knows came up with.

But what would have been a good answer? I’ve came up with a couple of options, which are listed below. Feel free to add your own suggestions in comments.

So, to recap, the question: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?

And the possible answers:

• Well, we are already in America, so why would we need to find it on a map? Duhhhhhhh!
• Obviously one fifth of the American population is made up of retards. We should not feel bad about this tough. If you go into any country in the world, no matter how advanced, you’ll probably find that about 20% of the population is too dumb to live.
• That is an urban legend, bitch! Now why don’t you ask me a question that is not completely stupid?
• Well, personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on a …. oh, like anybody cares. Look at how good my boobs look in this dress!

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The Funny Man July 23rd, 2007

Dear Dr. Topps,

I’m a young, nice guy. I have a good job and all my friends tell me I’m funny and personable. And yet I haven’t had much luck in the dating department.
I think that has to do in large part with the fact that I’m very self-aware about the way I look. My nose is somewhat on the large side and I’m a little too skinny. When I meet a girl I like, I’m constantly wondering what she thinks of my appearance, and that keeps me from just being myself. What should I do to boost my own confidence?

Dear uglo,

Have you considered dating blind chicks?

Sure, they aren’t so good with the whole putting on make-up thing and they don’t always dress themselves well, but some of them are still quite cute. And they won’t be immediately frightened by your enormous nose.

Just one thing: although it’s true that blind chicks can, to some extent, “see” with their hands, you shouldn’t under any circumstances try to cut their hands off. This is unlikely to lead to any positive result.

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Juygh Fruyt July 23rd, 2007

I woke up early today to go to work. First thing I did after leaving the house was, well… I projected some shadow on the street… you know, because of the sun (scorching sun, by the way). But the first relevant thing I did was to buy a bottle of water. I had to, it was too hot, and the sun was really strong. I mean, really, really very strong. No, stronger. No, stronger than that! Ok, not THAT strong, but you got the picture.

I am guessing this is all because of that global warmth stuff they are talking about. So we are bringing you some tips (or guidelines, or rules, or whatever you prefer is fine) on how to keep our little planet cool:

1 - Turn off the thermostat; you don’t need it to keep your place warm. Isolating the house with polystyrene is a reasonable way to go. If it is not enough then I guess getting a few hundred gerbils should elevate the temperature. Don’t forget to feed them anti-gas pills.

2 - Take profit of the gerbils by connecting rechargeable batteries to their wheels. If the electricity doesn’t heat the water properly and you still can’t have a nice shower, place a fireplace in the bathroom. It’s the best alternative.

3 – Don’t use a car. Also, smash your neighbor’s car so he can’t use his either and secretely feed him anti-gas pills. Don’t incinerate the cars though!

4 - You already know trees are important. You may plant one if you like, but this is more important: Kill a beaver! (Don’t incinerate it though!)

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The Funny Man April 19th, 2007

1. Cows give me milk, pigs give me bacon, eggs give me eggs.
2. Look at me, but be careful because I’m ugly.
3. I would tell you all the secrets of the world. But I don’t know any.
4. The three most important things a person should know are: How to write and how to count.
5. Decaffeinated coffee is much like snow, they both lack caffeine.
6. Can you please turn up the volume of your TV? I can’t hear anything.
7. Ok, that’s too much, take it down a notch.
8. With time, one discovers that pears are more sensitive than tomatoes.
9. My mom always told me to respect older people. My son tell me to respect younger people. My twin brother is a complete imbecile.
10. Don’t look ugly in the morning, wake up at noon.
11. Why do clowns have white faces? Because they are dead!!!
12. When I don’t go to the mountain, the mountain also doesn’t come to me.
13. I don’t even like mountains.
14. In the autumn the leaves fall. In the summer they rise.
15. If we didn’t lose our teeth there would be less teeth in the world.
16. Never laugh at a tree, I may need it not to laugh at you in the future.
17. Everything that goes up knows how to fly.
18. The Internet looks amazing, but that is actually a photo of a friend of hers.
19. I think I’m a strong contender for the Literature Nobel prize.
20. All the insects should be placed in big insect prisons where they could live happily for all eternity. Or where they could live unhappily for all eternity, they both work for me.

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