Apology Letters … From God
The Funny Man January 17th, 2008
God is perfect. That doesn’t mean he never makes mistakes.
From: God
About: The Great Deluge
I maintain that the wickedness of man was great in the earth at that time, and that I had to do something. But killing every living being on earth outside of those in an Ark does seem a little bit excessive in hindsight, and I promise I’ll show more moderation in the future.
Also, I understand that repopulating earth all by themselves was very trying for Noah’s family, and I apologize for all the dysfunction that was caused by that.
From: The Almighty
About: Leviticus and Deuteronomy
As I understand, these particular chapters in the Bible and the laws they present have caused quite a bit of pain over the centuries, both to my followers and to the people they interacted with. All I can say in my defense is that I really didn’t think you would all take it so seriously. I was just joking people! I mean, what kind of mean, awful God would prohibit his people from eating lobsters and pork? They are delicious!
From: The Big Guy on the Sky
About: Hitler
Not one of my best sons was he? But how could I possibly guess that a not especially tall, not very athletic, dark haired guy with a weird mustache would lead a nation into mass killings for the cause of racial purity? I thought he would turn out to be a short tempered librarian or something like that.
From: The Holy Father
About: The Asian Tsunami of 2004
I’m deeply sorry for all the people that lost their lives in this terrible tsunami. And I assure you that Jesus will no longer be allowed to play on the Indian ocean.
From: The All Seeing One
About: Katrina
Ok, let’s recap. Did I build a large city which had large portions below sea level and in a well known path of hurricanes? No. Did I put in ineffectual anti-flood protections? No. Did I elect George “Heck of a Job Brownie” Bush President? Once again no. But as soon as some natural disaster hits and a bunch of people die and/or lose everything they have everybody goes all “why have you abandoned me God?” on my ass.
You want me to say I’m sorry? Ok, I’ll say it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you are all so stupid. I swear to myself, when I build the second earth that whole free will thing is going the way of the Dodo.
From: the LORD
About: That Last Letter
Yeah, that was a little ill-tempered. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I think it showed. And I know that I do have a story of flooding people when I’m angry, so the thought that it was all my fault was not so off base.
Also, I’d like to assure everybody that any plan I might or might not have to build a second, more perfect earth doe not include the complete destruction of the original earth by interminable rains of fire. Honestly people, don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.
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