The Funny Man July 23rd, 2007
“Sexy” Artificial Trees
Because everybody knows that only real trees are really sexy.
The “Ice Cream” Station
The cops didn’t like them calling it The Crack Cocaine Station.
“Christmas” Party
By which they mean drinking beer until you are unconscious instead of spending time with your family party.
Bierbar “Ass”
Hehe, he said “ass”.
“Quality” Nuts and Fruits
Just be glad that the quotation marks aren’t around fruits or nuts.
Check out the return of our “spices”
You don’t want to know.
The item you have been waiting for has “arrived”
And by “arrived” we mean we had it for weeks but didn’t bother telling you before.
“Quality” at “1/3″ of the Cost
You know, as much quality as your are ever going to get for this price. And by 1/3 they really mean more like 1/2. But it’s still cheap!
“Lean” Beef, “Tender” Chicken, “Fresh” Noodles
Really, lean, tender and fresh are all a matter of perspective…
Beware of “Dog”
It’s really a cat. But a very mean spirited one! He could totally scratch your eyes out!
Faith Baptist “Church”
Hey, I’m not the one saying it.
“Sorry” but there will be no pumpkin soup served today!
He is not really sorry, but his boss forced him to write it.
“Sorry” Credit Machine “Not” Working
This one actually makes sense. “Not” working means it’s working, but people are obviously too stupid to use it. “Sorry” means he is not sorry at all.
<img src=’http://www.dailydoseoffunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/quotation16.jpg’ alt=’By http://www.flickr.com/photos/hadaway/’ />
Beware of Fall-ing “Ice”
Generally when people say ice they mean it’s made of water. But really, it doesn’t have to be.
For a Special Daughter and “Son”
Well, I married your father so I guess I’m your “mother”.
Just because they are free doesn’t mean you have to use them around every. Single. Word.
The Funny Man July 23rd, 2007
Dear Dr. Topps, 
I’m a young, nice guy. I have a good job and all my friends tell me I’m funny and personable. And yet I haven’t had much luck in the dating department.
I think that has to do in large part with the fact that I’m very self-aware about the way I look. My nose is somewhat on the large side and I’m a little too skinny. When I meet a girl I like, I’m constantly wondering what she thinks of my appearance, and that keeps me from just being myself. What should I do to boost my own confidence?
Dear uglo,
Have you considered dating blind chicks?
Sure, they aren’t so good with the whole putting on make-up thing and they don’t always dress themselves well, but some of them are still quite cute. And they won’t be immediately frightened by your enormous nose.
Just one thing: although it’s true that blind chicks can, to some extent, “see” with their hands, you shouldn’t under any circumstances try to cut their hands off. This is unlikely to lead to any positive result.
Juygh Fruyt July 23rd, 2007
I woke up early today to go to work. First thing I did after leaving the house was, well… I projected some shadow on the street… you know, because of the sun (scorching sun, by the way). But the first relevant thing I did was to buy a bottle of water. I had to, it was too hot, and the sun was really strong. I mean, really, really very strong. No, stronger. No, stronger than that! Ok, not THAT strong, but you got the picture.
I am guessing this is all because of that global warmth stuff they are talking about. So we are bringing you some tips (or guidelines, or rules, or whatever you prefer is fine) on how to keep our little planet cool:
1 - Turn off the thermostat; you don’t need it to keep your place warm. Isolating the house with polystyrene is a reasonable way to go. If it is not enough then I guess getting a few hundred gerbils should elevate the temperature. Don’t forget to feed them anti-gas pills.
2 - Take profit of the gerbils by connecting rechargeable batteries to their wheels. If the electricity doesn’t heat the water properly and you still can’t have a nice shower, place a fireplace in the bathroom. It’s the best alternative.
3 – Don’t use a car. Also, smash your neighbor’s car so he can’t use his either and secretely feed him anti-gas pills. Don’t incinerate the cars though!
4 - You already know trees are important. You may plant one if you like, but this is more important: Kill a beaver! (Don’t incinerate it though!)
