The Funny Man April 30th, 2007
Mondays tend to bring out the pessimist in a lot of us. So, keeping with this theme, here is the pessimist’s guide to life, in three easy lessons.
Lesson #1
Life sucks. Hard.
Lesson #2
As you get older, life starts sucking more and more.
Lesson #3
The only thing that sucks more than life is death. Which sucks. A lot.
Well, there you go. Happy Monday!
Juygh Fruyt April 29th, 2007
I’m the new intern here in Daily Doses, and – this is awesome - they are actually NOT paying me to write this humorous content you read every day!
My name is Juygh Fruyt, you can read more about me in the – guess what – ‘about me’ section. I hope you like the website and please leave your comments.
Now I have to go if I ever want to be made into one of the non-intern guys (no, they don’t get paid either) those posts won’t make themselves up!
The Funny Man April 19th, 2007
1. Cows give me milk, pigs give me bacon, eggs give me eggs.
2. Look at me, but be careful because I’m ugly.
3. I would tell you all the secrets of the world. But I don’t know any.
4. The three most important things a person should know are: How to write and how to count.
5. Decaffeinated coffee is much like snow, they both lack caffeine.
6. Can you please turn up the volume of your TV? I can’t hear anything.
7. Ok, that’s too much, take it down a notch.
8. With time, one discovers that pears are more sensitive than tomatoes.
9. My mom always told me to respect older people. My son tell me to respect younger people. My twin brother is a complete imbecile.
10. Don’t look ugly in the morning, wake up at noon.
11. Why do clowns have white faces? Because they are dead!!!
12. When I don’t go to the mountain, the mountain also doesn’t come to me.
13. I don’t even like mountains.
14. In the autumn the leaves fall. In the summer they rise.
15. If we didn’t lose our teeth there would be less teeth in the world.
16. Never laugh at a tree, I may need it not to laugh at you in the future.
17. Everything that goes up knows how to fly.
18. The Internet looks amazing, but that is actually a photo of a friend of hers.
19. I think I’m a strong contender for the Literature Nobel prize.
20. All the insects should be placed in big insect prisons where they could live happily for all eternity. Or where they could live unhappily for all eternity, they both work for me.
The Funny Man April 16th, 2007
“It’s not wrong to hit a woman - although I wouldn’t recommend doing it in the same way you hit a man”
Sean Connery
“Sir, I actually speak to god all the time, and don’t take this the wrong way, but he never said anything about you”
Philippe Gaston(Matthew Broderick) in the film Ladyhawke
[When he was asked whether he thought that human beings were corrupt, amoral and cynic]
“Of course not! Haven’t you seen The Sound of Music?”
Billy Wilder
“An amateur thinks it’s funny to dress a man as an old lady, sit him in a wheelchair and shove the chair so that it goes down a ladder and smashes into a brick wall. A professional knows you have to use a real old lady.”
Groucho Marx
“I started a diet. I cut heavy foods and drinks and, in fourteen days, I lost two weeks”.
Joe E. Lewis
“My first wife divorced me alleging irreconcilable differences. Besides that, I think she hated me.”
Oscar Levant
“Save the trees - kill a beaver.”
Anonymous
“Selfish - someone more interested in himself than in me.”
Ambrose Bierce
“May the flees of a thousand camels infest your armpits!”
Arabic Curse
The Funny Man April 15th, 2007
[After being warned that drinking is a slow form of suicide]
“And who is in a hurry?”
Robert Benchley
“Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.”
George Burns
“Once, during the dry law, I was forced to go days with just food and water.”
“Who was the jerk that stole the cork from my lunch?”
“My willpower is so strong, I never drink anything harder than gin before breakfast.”
“I gargle with Scotch several times a day and I haven’t had a cold in years.”
W. C. Fields
[When asked if he had slept well]
“No. I think I went to bed a little sober yesterday.”
Dashiell Hammet
“I drink to make the other people more interesting.”
George Jean Nathan
“Be careful with hard liquor. It can make you shoot at tax collectors … and miss.”
Lazarus Long
“I don’t trust camels or anyone else that can go a week without drinking.”
“Bartender, I want what the man in the floor is drinking.”
“Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.”
Anonymous
The Funny Man April 15th, 2007
Every year hundreds of new films are produced. Unfortunately, this amount of production leads to some gems of cinema being lost in the crowd. To help you, the Daily Dose Of Funny staff has picked some films you probably haven’t seen already, and might want to.
The Eye Creatures
The eye creatures are invading earth! And the only people that know are two adolescents! But don’t worry, after much fighting and after an spectacular scape from prison they will be able to defeat them using the powerful headlights of their car, which makes the creatures explode.
This film does have some technical problems, like the day turning into night, and night into day without much chronological sense, or the fact that you can see the zipper in the creatures’ costumes. Or how the creatures use snickers, for some reason (apparently Nike’s marketing isn’t limited to our planet) and sometimes they only use half the costume.
Beyond that, the films opening screen shows the movie title to be “Attack of The The Eye Creatures”. But please, don’t let these details keep you way from this small classic.
The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant
Dr. Girard is a rich scientist conducting head transplant experiments. He is especially interested in transplanting two heads to the same body, something that will certainly be of much use to humanity at some point. However, the doctor is faced with a grave problem when a murdering maniac invades his home and kills Danny’s father (Danny is a man with the mind of a child), and ends up being mortally wounded himself.
Realizing that Danny is very nervous with the death of his father and seeing the maniac almost dying, Dr. Roger has a great idea: why not transplant the head of the murderer into Danny’s body?
Unfortunately the Doctor’s plan go astray when two-heads escapes and starts killing several people. Well, his intentions were good…
The Wild World of Batwoman
The busty Batwoman fights crime with the always ready to dance Batgirls. Their work isn’t always perfect. For example, there is one scene in which the Batgirls watch a man being murdered. Later they tell Batwoman. Kind of too late now, girls!
But they sure try. And dance, of course.
Batwoman biggest challenge comes when a crazy scientist builds an atomic bomb using the hearing device of his assistant. Beyond that, the evil scientist must also have copied the Batwoman’s lair, since his hideout looks exactly like it.
In an thrilling final confrontation Batwoman and the Batgirls fight not only the scientist, but also his clone. After he is defeated the scientist surrenders the bomb and kisses his assistant. I guess they were more than just good friends. The Batgirls celebrate victory with a little dancing, of course.
Th movie mentions something called “happiness pills”, which the villain uses. Perhaps you should look for one of those before watching this movie.
The Funny Man April 15th, 2007
1. Shoot if you are a man!
2. What happens if I press this button?
3. Look mom, with just one hand!
4. Daddy will fix it, but did you turn off the power like I told you, son?
5. You can go through, no one is coming.
6. The chances of that happening are one in a million…
7. Nonsense. It’s probably just a little itch.
8. Buuu. Ha, I scared you, didn’t I granny?
9. Easy folks, I’m also a Sox fan. This Yankees t-shirt isn’t mine.
10. Easy friend, I’m just the plumber.
11. It’s the red wire. I’m sure, you can go ahead and cut it.
12. It’s a simple surgery.
13. Relax, airplanes are safer than cars.
14. No, those mushrooms aren’t poisonous.
15. I saw a guy do this on TV.
16. You can write it down! I’m going to break the world record.
17. Hey, that’s my backpack, your parachute is here…
18. I’ve done this before! I can do it with my eyes closed.
19. Come on, there is space for one more.
The Funny Man April 15th, 2007
Meeting the parents can be an awkward and tense situation. The need to impress often leads, paradoxically, to people making mistakes and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
But fear not! Daily Dose of Funny is here to help you in this difficult time. We have compiled a list of ten things you should avoid saying to your girlfriend’s parents at all costs. And here it is:
1. Do you know a good motel?
- You want to take my daughter to a motel !?
- No! Someone completely different.
2. You have a nice house, don’t you? Must have been expensive. If someone was to kidnap your daughter they could ask for a lot of money, right? Hypothetically speaking.
3. Don’t worry, I drive very carefully. Because if the cops stop me I’m screwed, I have ten pounds of cocaine in the truck and my license is expired.
4. They say weight is genetically determined. I hope not, I hope not.
5. You daughter is so beautiful. Not as much as Layla, but still.
6. You taught your daughter how to cook? Oh, well, that explains it.
7. Damn, I spilled coke on my pants. Could you get that nice maid of yours to help me clean this up?
8. My god, with your age a normal person would already be dead!!
9. Did you by any chance fall on your face as you were riding your bike? No? So that is natural?
10. Please tell me she was adopted!!
The Funny Man April 14th, 2007
1. A little mistake in the beginning, can become huge by the end. But then a big error must become small, right?
2. Worthy of admiration is someone that stumbled in his first step and stayed there so he wouldn’t fall anymore.
3. It’s wiser to consider yourself owner of the truth than to seek it.
4. The secret to happiness is making your pleasure your duty.
5. Wise is the man that only does things when he is sure they will work.
6. I don’t want people to believe in my desire to be right, I want them to think I’m right.
7. Be what you want to be, not what you are.
8. If you really love somebody, don’t let him go.
9. Ignorant is someone who recognizes the limits of his wisdom.
10. The man who planted a flower made the world a more beautiful place, somebody happy and was gay. Don’t plant anything.
11. Before you do your duties, abuse your rights.
12. A true friend always helps himself.
13. Wisdom consists on taking advantage of what you know and making up what you don’t.
14. It’s better to get the honors without deserving them than to deserve them without receiving them.
15. May your hand be open to receive, and closed to give.
16. The only people who don’t make mistakes are the people that don’t do anything. So, don’t do anything.
17. The worst deaf is the one who doesn’t listen.
18. When you choose your profession, the most important thing is the money, not the self fulfillment.
19. Add days to your life, not life to your days.
20. Try to be someone successful, not someone worthy.
21. A stopped clock can be more accurate than a working one. A stopped clock is right twice a day, a working one may be always late. So stay still and be right at least two times every day.
22. Don’t use yourself the advices you give to others.
23. The poor who gets richer has more than the rich that gets poor.
The Funny Man April 13th, 2007
“When I started to write I tried to sell the story of my sex life to a publisher. They bought it and turned it into a board game for kids ”
“When I saw a naked woman for the first time I thought the rabbi had went too far with her circumcision”
Woody Allen
“There is a sexual revolution taking place. But with out current foreign policy we will end up sending troops there to end it.”
Mel Brooks
“If your sex fantasies were of interest to anybody, they would already have stopped being fantasies.”
Fran Lebowitz
“The person can abdicate from sex, but sex doesn’t abdicate from the person”
Gabriel GarcÃa Márquez
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight don’t matter”
Henry Miiler
“For some people, after they are fifty years-old, arguing takes the place of sex.”
Gore Vidal
[Dialogue from the film Myra Breckinridge]
“Mae West : How tall are you when you’re off your horse, cowboy?
Cowboy: Um, six feet, seven inches, ma’am.
Mae West: Well, never mind the six feet, and let’s talk about the seven inches.”
“I’ve had so many man in my life that I think the FBI should come to me when they want to compare fingerprints.â€?
Mae West
“Sex is hereditary: If your parents didn’t have it, there is a good chance you won’t either.”
“Panties aren’t the best thing in the world. But they are close.”
“What is an intellectual? Just a man that discovered something more interesting then women.”
Anonymous
