The Funny Man February 14th, 2008
- I’m sorry, but don’t I know you?
- Ahmmm, no I don’t think you do.
- I’m pretty sure I remember you from somewhere…
- Well, I have one of those common faces, people think they know me all the time.
- Oh MY GOD! I remember now!
- Crap.
- Jesus Christ, that’s you isn’t it?
- *sigh*
- The hair, the beard, I don’t know how it took me so long to figure out.
- Look, I’m kind of in a hurry, I have to be some place in a few minutes…
- I’m your number one fan!
- Really? You’re a churchgoing man?
- Well, I haven’t really been to a church since my wedding, but it’s not about a place, it’s about having Jesus in your heart isn’t it?
- Funny how many of my “number one fans” think that.
- I can’t believe I’m actually talking to Jesus. Man, I haven’t heard about you in a while. What have you been doing ever since the whole resurrection thing?
- Well, you know, this and that. I took some time for myself, in order to figure out what *I* wanted to do with my life, you know? I mean, I accomplished quite a lot in the first 30 years or so, but I felt I was just following a script my father wrote for me. I felt like I didn’t know who Jesus really was, you know? So I took some time to do some soul searching.
- Oh, I totally know what you mean. After college I spent a few months in Europe, just screwing around, before coming back to my fiancee and settling down.
- How nice…
- But are you done with the soul searching?
- Well, yeah. Now I’m focused on writing. I recently wrote this book “The Gospel According to Jesus”, which brings my own direct perspective to what happened, with no intermediaries muddling the message.
- Really? Haven’t heard about it.
- Well, it was published by this small company and they didn’t have much money to invest in marketing. But that is okay, we are going to let word of mouth spread around, you know? Let it become one of those publishing phenomenons that comes out of nowhere.
- I see
- Yeah, we are trying to get a spot on Oprah to move things along. She hasn’t answered any of our calls yet, but we are very hopeful.
- Good luck with that.
- Thanks. You can buy the book on the Internet.
- Oh really? That’s great.
- So you’ll buy it?
- Gee, I would love that. But I have been really busy at work lately, so I’m not sure when I will ever be able to get around to reading a book.
- Oh, sure, I see.
- Is it coming out on tape? Because that would so much easier.
- No, we don’t have any plans for that right now.
- Well, keep me posted. But changing the subject slightly, you know what I love? Your miracles. The one where you made wine out of water is my favorite.
- Really? The one were I made wine for a bunch of drunk people? You prefer that one to me walking on water, or curing the lepers, or feeding thousands?
- Well, yeah. Those other ones were great too, but, you know…
- Um hum.
- As a matter of fact, I happen to have some water with me right now and, well, I’m having a bad day, and I could really use a little “miracle” right now.
- Ok, look, I did that once, and I regret it to this day. I’m not doing it again.
- O come on. It will take you half a second.
- I said no.
- Come on! Just a little wine to help me get through the day. It won’t hurt anybody.
- Saying come on over and over won’t change my mind.
- Don’t be a party pooper! Just half a bottle will be enough!
- Ok, that’s it, I’m going away now, have a good day sir.
- Jerk.
- What? Did I hear that right? Did you just call your LORD AND SAVIOR Jesus FUCKING Christ a jerk? Because I won’t make you wine? That’s it, now you really got me pissed. You want a miracle? Here is a miracle. I just gave you leper. And it’s not the normal kind of leper either, It’s super powered JESUS LEPER!
- What?!
- You heard me mother fucker, now fuck off and die.
- ASSHOLE!
- Yeah, God loves you too, jackass.
